LIVING APART TOGETHER: Could Marriage Be Taking a New ‘Off Course’ Drive?

The term Living Apart Together (LAT) might sound a bit weird for some people and the more one plays with the phrase, the more mind-boggling it gets.

While it may ring a bell, most probably from your nursery school Physical Education sessions, it definitely wanders far from what it meant then.

Couples in the LAT relationship setup have an intimate relationship but live apart from each other at different addresses. This includes those who wish to stay together but are not able to and those who just prefer to live apart, together.

This has been practiced in different parts of the world but named differently and with different customs. In Beijing, Asia, a section of male partners would stay away from their female counterparts and only visit during the night. This was referred to as ‘walking marriages’.

In Saudi Arabia, some male and female partners stay in separate locations but meet regularly in what is called ‘Misyar marriages’.

In the early 2000s, LAT relationships were gravitating more towards older people of 50 years and above but recent research shows that millennials are adopting this lifestyle even more. This is more pronounced in the Western world but it has existed (and still does), in our local communities for some ages too.

The reasons for the shooting curve of these relationships vary depending on culture, financial status, and more other personal opinions individuals choose to prioritize.

However, there are major contributing factors that feed this growth;

Women Emancipation

In the past, girls were raised, cultured, and prepared for getting married, having kids, and maintaining a family. All other skills acquired depended on the environment in which one grew up or was to live in after marriage.

As such, women had to be under a man, to secure shelter, food, and any other necessities when they were of age. And that, was their role, responsibility, and sole contribution in a household.

However, with formal education, girls are learning more about what to contribute and say while at the ‘tables of men’ and a good number have gone ahead to create those tables themselves. They have hence attained financial independence and can foot their bills for all essentials.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that they must or should shun marriage, it gives them an option of getting in when they are ready or entirely keeping the practice at bay if they so wish.

Work

I grew up in a family where mummy and daddy worked in two completely different sectors, in different physical addresses. If mummy came home once a month or two, we as kids understood that it was necessary and we never felt like our parents didn’t give us a complete family.

However, as time goes on, some couples find it okay to keep in areas where they have made other friends and families, even when that particular job is no more. Meeting from time to time and having common, goals and ideologies that bind them together, keeps them ‘apart but together’.

Desire for Autonomy

After living together for some time, some couples develop a desire and fantasy of how it would be to live alone, have personal space and do everything their way; without any inconveniences or compromise from their partners who may want something different or done a certain way.

Without many joint responsibilities like raising children or setting a foundation for a family, older couples may choose to live apart, together, to exercise their independence in various areas over the course of life.

60 is too old to be fighting about the kind of hairstyle one should have, who makes tea in the morning, and more other trivial stuff that couples fight about. Living apart together is believed to eliminate such instances.

Gender-based societal beliefs

Some older women, as research shows, want to secure independence and avoid traditional gendered division of labour.

After maintaining and taking care of household needs for years, women cite breaking free from this routine and taking care of themselves, prioritizing their needs, hobbies, and dreams, as a reason they would rather stay apart from their long-time partners and only meet occasionally.

Reviving marriages

Couples whose marriages are at the verge of breaking up usually “take time to think” things through and while they spend longer periods away from each other, some have realized that the issues at hand aren’t necessarily that big to dissolve a marriage while others have decided to live apart together.

Arguments like “partners need personal space and time away from their usual sitting rooms that have turned into ‘war fields’ to miss each other,” facilitate the eventual adoption of the LAT lifestyle.

It might not be a marriage saver for all, but some people testify its ability to help them navigate through their personal shortcomings and worK on them other than playing the blame game.

Definitely, two broken spirits do not make a whole!

Suppressed Dreams

Sustaining a relationship comes with making sacrifices so two people can find a common ground to make everything work. This sometimes acts as a breeding space for regrets when the relationship doesn’t work out as expected.

Some people find that living together with their partners doesn’t allow them to pursue their dreams. It’s not a question of ‘for better for worse, till death do us part’ and how society expects marriages to be; a good number of people are bold enough to go against the odds, fighting for their personal longings and making their dreams manifest irrespective of what that takes.

Keeping whatever kind of relationship one has and pursuing their career and dreams might come at a cost- having to stay away from one’s partner. It’s not breaking up, it is Living Apart Together!

Technological Advancement

The global village concept and the dynamic technological advancement continue to make living apart together a possibility. Unlike in the past when communication required one to move from place to place, it’s more of a virtual reality world now and it’s just a click away.

The need for staying in the same physical location is no longer as intense since couples can keep up with each other visually and only meet up when they feel like.

All these, much as they fuel the ‘convenient’ LAT relationships, they compromise the traditional and usual marriage set up where couples live together in the same apartment.

In Uganda, in our local communities, some elderly couples for example; practice the LAT kind of relationships. It is not common and even when it’s adopted, whether it the limited luxuries like a different apartment to live in or other limitations, partners choose to live in ‘different parts’ of the same house.

Three couples that I have come across are all above 60 years, been married for at least 30 years, and have raised children together. They have, however, long shunned their matrimonial bedroom and each one of them sleeps in a different room.

They use different household items and their daily schedules have pretty much changed too. In fact, there is a possibility of missing each other while in the same house and this, they say, keeps them even stronger together.

Most couples tend to ‘meet up’ or visit on days that are significant to them, friends and family, or when one is faced with a problem and the other needs to be there for them. Emotional support is more treasured in this setup since the partners have mastered the art of doing it all themselves, in the first place.

“We choose to be with someone because we like them, not because we need them to be able to live,” wrote a lady who is practicing LAT with her husband of three years.

Some other studies indicate that for younger couples practicing LAT, it could be for adventure and testing how far they can commit to their partners. And while this arrangement might work out for some people, it might be detrimental to some new participants.

All in all, sociologists believe that in the next few years, LAT might be the new norm as another way for people to relate and keep marriages going.

 

NOTE: The writer is not a professional in any of the certified bodies that have a right to give advice on relationships and dating, neither marriage nor counseling. This information has been gathered from various sources and it entails personal views of the writer too.