Hold onto that bottle!

But you people, why are we still throwing bottles at musicians? That is so barbaric.

I hope they were empty.

If you threw a bottle, as some of you reportedly did, at Full Figure and Catherine Kusasira, before emptying it then you are even more of a barbarian for wasting liquor like that.

The two singers have been officially affiliated with Yoweri Museveni’s upcoming reelection campaign as celebrity endorsers and were contracted, presumably, to counter the rise of Bobi Wine.

The NRM feels that to appeal to the youth it should have some pop stars, probably reasoning that the youth of “di ghetto” would sway in whichever direction the dancehall riddim bends.

This is known in politics as “pandering” and is known in reality as “taking the youth for idiots.”

Yes, pop stars have an almost magical hold on their fans, but just because Chris Brown still has a career doesn’t mean his fans will welcome any chance to beat or get beaten by their girlfriends of boyfriends.

That is why the aforementioned youth responded to Figure and Kusasira, not with the expected gullibility but with vandalism, hooliganism, and if you won’t call hurling bottles around assault, at least call it littering.

Either way, you guys, this was wrong. We must not throw bottles at NRM musicians while they sing. Come on. Sit down and settle, or in the yoot parlance, siddong and sekkle.

When your government banned alcohol sold in sachets last year I sneered into my scotch whiskey at what a silly move it appeared to be, because it could only increase the consumption of liquor.

If you had become used to sucking down little packets worth of ethanol, and now could only get your fix in larger-capacity bottles, will you not drink more?

And then, having lost your mind and your manners to the booze, proceed to throw the empty bottles at Figure and her friends?

Perhaps as members of this satchet-banning government Kusasira might want to move to rescind the ban. People throwing sachets is far far less dangerous than bottles.

But really, people, you can’t keep doing this. What if it escalates?

What if NRM-supporting music fans retaliate at other concerts and also bring their own things to throw? NRM is far better equipped than you opposition. Ask Bobi.

When he tries to hold a concert, he doesn’t even have to wait for the NRM fans to toss bottles during his performance. Even before the concert starts, NRM fans, in police uniform, are already throwing teargas.

How about, instead of throwing bottles, throw insults? Yeah.

How about yelling that Full Figure is a figure full of dysentery. Something like that.

You see, political opponents, you can be hurtful and mean and cruel without having to use bottles.

All you need is a wild animal, an abdominal disease and a part of the individual’s anatomy and there, you have a political insult.

For example, say Full Figure’s hairpiece looks like it is harbouring cockroaches with bilharzia.

Or Kusasira is like a jackal with diptheria trying to finish the song quickly before the bowel gives way on stage and spews tapeworms… you get the idea. Throw insults, not bottles.

Some will say hurling abuse at political opponents is just as barbaric, but to these people I say, sit down with your scabied baboon bums (no offense meant).

It’s not just as barbaric. It is slightly less barbaric. But at least it is amusing.

But now that you have brought me down to seriousness, the problem with having had the same result in every election for three decades is that we either forget or never learn how to contest elections properly.

Those of us old enough don’t remember and those of us too young are not aware of how vital it is to keep this at the fore of our minds every time we meet each other: DO NOT LET VIOLENCE BE PART OF THIS.

Disagree if you must, dispute, disdain, disrespect the other side if you have to.

But respect Ugandan, stand for freedom, believe in our rights as fellow citizens and do not hurt one another. If you do, we all lose.

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