Musicians who deserve to be in the new Museveni 2021 cabinet

The president of the republic of Uganda (this one we are in) recently reshuffled his cabinet of ministers, causing great confusion among the population. 

We had been led, over the previous few months, to see a growing trend of pop musicians being drawn into the fold of NRM government politics. Even Buchaman, for crying out loud, was now a politician. So how come there were no musicians in this new cabinet reshuffle?

As a re-self-appointed advisor to the president, I must put forth this list of musicians who should be in the next reshuffle which I strongly advise his excellency does soon. 

Minister of Internal Affairs: Winnie Nwagi, aka Saitama The One Slap Woman, aka The Slap Not Slay Queen

The ministry of internal affairs is the one in charge of the police force, and what is the police force best known for? Beating up civilians. 

Whether they rightly deserve the beatings or not is up to their lawyers and magistrates but whether they thoroughly received them or not is a done deal. 

Affande Mande, for example, is a notoriously brutal police officer. He is known to carry out mob justice by himself. You will feel like you have been lynched by two dozen people after a few rounds of Affande Mande.

So, since Winnie Nwagi has shown her own proclivity to slapping fellow Ugandans, surely, we should reward her initiative by appointing her to minister over all State slaps.

Minister of Finance. There are plenty of examples to choose from– none that I can name outright, but we know that there are plenty of local music stars who are always borrowing money to pay for a lifestyle way beyond their means, which makes them perfect choices for the job of running Uganda’s economy. The outgoing minister ministered over the extravagant salaries and flashing convoys of fancy cars, white elephant projects and vanity items that would almost make you forget that Uganda is still one of the poorest countries in the world, but I don’t think he did enough. We need one of those musicians who use their collateral’s collateral as collateral for yet another loan so that we get a minister who will buy a Uganda spaceship and say they are going to increase tourism from Mars.

Ministry of education? I say Eddy Kenzo. Now, you guys make a big deal about the way Eddy Kenzo speaks English, but if you have listened to Kenzo lyrics you will know that he is one of the most articulate, linguistically deft Ugandans your ears can consume. That man’s Luganda is way better than your English so first shut up and go back to October 9th 1962 and become independent from colonial mentality like the rest of us then come back.

Besides I have been a Kenzo fan for years and one thing I have seen is that he keeps getting better because he keeps learning. Kenzo is the embodiment of education. True story. I’m not even satirising that part.

Ministry of Wildlife: Buchaman should have a ministry because, honestly, this ghetto president role is not it. It is not a real role. If you are going to appoint Buchaman, appoint him to something with meaning. And since his name implies slaughter of animals, why not wildlife? 

Minister of culture: Big Trill. Needless to elaborate. The man composed the new national anthem.

Minister of ICT or at least Minister of social media or at least Minister of Twitter: Apass.

I don’t pay OTTT because social media is not worth the hassle of going through the menu, much less being worth 200sh. Anything you post can wait until I’m on public wifi.

But when someone calls to say “Fam, Apass is at it again, ” I don’t hesitate. I pay URA its fish and hasten to twitter to see. This man should be minister of Ugandan Twitter. He is already it’s King.

Finally, Grace Nakimera. Just make her minister of anything. Anything that will put her back on TV. I miss her. 

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