Why are Ugandans abandoning use of condoms?

Condom usage in Uganda has dropped alarmingly according to recent statistics. Apparently nowadays only 24 % of men over 40 strap up.

My personal condom usage has dropped by 100 percent recently because since Belinda left me, I have not had any from anyone. It seems single women can smell the loser on me– “That guy is damaged. He will use a condom so you will be protected, but there is no prophylaxis for sexually transmitted psychological trauma. You don’t want to end up being his rebound.”

But it turns out that I am not the only one who has been red carded from the game of love. Multitudes of Ugandans have been dumped in the time the study is concerned with.

 

Because, of course, I naively assume that nobody is fornicating without protection. That would be just stupid. Really, really stupid. 

The only people who have sex without condoms, I presume, basing on my patriotic confidence in the wisdom of my fellow Ugandans, are those in faithful monogamous relationships, and either have other birth control methods or want to have more babies.

 

Nobody should be just straying around with their sexsticks unwrapped. 

That would be as stupid as wandering around Kulambiro at midnight with your iPhone on full screen brightness snapchatting.

 

For those reading this from Boston, Kulambiro is one of the most densely crime-infested areas of Nakawa Division. It’s like Gotham, only without a Batman–just the crooks. 

 

In Kulambiro at night, they will steal your shoes unless you don’t have shoes, then the thugs will steal your pedicure. If you don’t have a pedi, they will take your toes. 

 

The crime rate in Kulambiro is so rampant, that sociologists are leaning on this theory to explains its rise: 

 

An innocent victim walks into the hood and is robbed of phone and money. This victim now has no means of checking twitter or buying her kikomando, except for one strategy, which is to hide in the bushes and wait for the next person to come along and then rob that fool.

The aforementioned fool, after being robbed, now has no recourse but to hide in other bushes and rob someone else.

 

In short, if you walk in Kulambiro at night with a phone the statistical probability rate of chance that you will get jacked is enumerated as “yes.”

 

Here is a quote from Rogers Bugembe, a Kulambiro resident. “Mwana, me and my guys don’t even pay OTT. When my OTT runs out, I just go and steal a phone which still has OTT.”

 

That is what having fornicative sex without a condom is like in Uganda today. Only an idiot would risk it.

 

Especially one who says, “I get tested for HIV regularly. And before I have unprotected sex with whoever it is whose name I will forget the next morning as I do the walk of shame/ stride of pride, depending on how well he performed, I ask for assurance that he has also had a recent test. Therefore I am safe from HIV.”

 

Oh really? 

 

Men are trash, banange. Such trash. You think HIV is the only germ out there?

 

Gonorrhea is a disease too. 

Gonorrhea can present with spontaneous painful erections. Read that again and then go buy a whole box of condoms because you have read it twice and got sufficiently scares that out of the blue, just like that, as you go about your daily business, all of a sudden, “boing!” followed by “Ooooouch!” painful sponty.

Syphilis may sound like a 90s rock band, but that is because it is exactly like one. One of those loud, angry, ugly ones where all the members have dirty hair, torn t-shirts, and no sense of rhythm.

I say that because, like those bands, Syphilis can also lead to hearing loss, impaired vision (such as that caused by looking at hideously-dressed rock singers and preferring to poke your eyes out) and insanity. 

Yeah. Imagine getting all that from a weak, lousy one-and-a-half minute chaw from some random dude you met at Monot.

 

I’m not going to talk about the even more serious ones, because I am out of time and I don’t want to leave you thinking this is a joke. 

People, if you want to play the field, use that condom. If you don’t want to use condoms, settle down and be faithful. Those are your options. Be adult about this.

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