Pastor Ssempa sues Father Lokodo, does not want to leave porn committee

Pastor Marn Ssempa (I hope I am spelling it right. It sounds like Marn. Must be Marn) recently sued Mr Simon Lokodo, according to a reports last week, for wrongful dismissal from Uganda government’s official Porn- Watching agency, the PCC.

PPC stands for Pornography Control Committee and should not be confused with your local porn-watching association, the Pumpum Crazy Club. Though it may as well be– same work done.

An item of possible confusion to address before we proceed: I said the suit goes to Mister Simon Lokodo. I don’t call him Father Lokodo. Because fathers know how sexuality works and Lokodo thinks that sexuality means you can’t drive if there are visible female legs on the pavement.

Now, back to the article.

Marn simpered about monies owed as remuneration for the porn he has been watching on behalf of the state, and thanks to his suit, we now know how much Uganda pays people to watch porn. But it also caused us to wonder, why that much?

Retainer of 2.5 million a month

The implication of a retainer is that, as long as it is being paid, Marn can be called upon at any time to come to the government and watch some porn on behalf of Uganda. At any moment Lokodo finds some boobs that need assessment, Marn has to be available. If he is at a family prayers, he has to excuse himself and run to the Porn Squad HQ and get to work. A retainer is called for.

Sh200,000 per committee sitting

This seems like chump change to high level pubic servants like Lokodo and his team, doesn’t it? Just 200k?

It only makes sense if the sittings are frequent, then the money accumulates to a figure more in line with our government’s typical levels of avarice.

But many Ugandans assumed that the porn squad had no work and therefore never required sittings.

We all assumed that every three months or so the Minister for ethics and integrity would realise that there is still no integrity in the government to minister and all ethics had eluded them, so he would just hazzard up a play to secure his paycheck.

But apparently this happens frequently enough for 200k a sitting to amount to something worth a lawsuit.

That just opens more questions. I am a very very moral person, myself; I am so moral that I am, in fact, holy. I am immaculate, unimpeachable and pure. I am never even naked. I take my showers with a swimsuit on like that musician, Panadol W’Abasajja, who Lokodo visited in the ghetto the other year.

This is why I don’t know how pornography works, so I can’t imagine how long the commitee needs to sit. How long does it take? Seconds to ascertain that it is in fact breasts and buttocks that you are watching? Minutes to ascertain that material is sexually arousing  depending on age of committee member? I don’t want to insinuate that members of the porn committee are not easily aroused or that it takes a long time to get them stimulated. I have heard that at Pastor Marn’s age it takes longer, but, of course, it depends on circumstances. If it is with a loved one within the bonds of marriage, one can go from zero to sixty like a chicken thief’s Bajaj. Vroom. But as we have established, I don’t know anything about pornography; it might take longer, and the commitee might have to sit for long enough to justify 200,000 shillings of taxpayers dime.

Transport of 1,000 per km.

We don’t know where the State Porn Squad sits so we can’t gauge how much this would come to, but really? In this day and age, why not just Skype?

After all, they are all going to be on computers and the internet to find the porn anyway.

Sh150,000 per night in Uganda.

Marn and his team travel around the nation sniffing out porn in different locations? Why? Are they hunting for sexy people? Do they take a bus out to Mbale to interrogate witnesses who report sighting a potential miniskirt in the town’s suburbs?

Last time I remember the PCC members travelling in Uganda it was when Mr Lokodo went to bother little Panadol.

A whole gang of cops, and the Minister himself, stormed the ghetto to arrest her for a music video in which she was filmed taking a shower in a thong bikini. The head of the Porn Squad himself had to be there as if this tiny girl posed any threat. As if she would drop her lesu and the power of her bikini from the video would blast the cops into uncontrollable Tumescence and  they would be so confused they wouldn’t know which baton to hit her with.

Sh450,000 for travel abroad

This one I can understand. Sometimes you just have to leave. Sometimes it is just simply time to go away.

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